How Can I Manage My Guilt Toward My Parents Before Moving Abroad?

Hello. Today, Sunim visited the hospital for a medical check-up and then went to see his older brother at a nursing home.

After completing his early morning practice and meditation, Sunim revised his manuscript.

After breakfast, he set off for Yangsan for his hospital visit. On the way back, he picked up his older brother, who is staying at a nursing home, and took him together to Sunim's hometown village. His older brother had surgery for a brain tumor and is unable to speak, with limited mobility.

Sunim brought his older brother to the house where they had lived together as children and showed him around. After sharing a meal, Sunim pushed his brother's wheelchair through the village, showing him various places.

"This is Jongtae(종태)'s house." "This is Taegwoo(택우)'s house." "This is our aunt's house. Do you remember?"

His older brother nodded in response to Sunim's questions.

While driving down a narrow village road, the car that had brought his brother got a flat tire after hitting a wall. After waiting a long time in the scorching sun for a repair vehicle and getting it fixed, Sunim took his brother back to the hospital.

Since Sunim had been suffering from continuous diarrhea after returning from Sri Lanka, he rested after coming back from the hospital. Tomorrow, he is scheduled to hold a Weekly Dharma Assembly and to meet a guest from India at Tongdosa Temple.

As there is no Dharma talk from Sunim today, this post introduces a Dharma Q&A that took place last May.

How Can I Manage My Guilt Toward My Parents Before Moving Abroad?

"I am planning to move abroad with my family around the end of this year. Living abroad has been my wife's long-held dream, and she recently received permission to work locally. After considering various circumstances, I also decided it would be a good move, so I plan to go with her. However, there is a heavy sense of guilt toward my mother in one corner of my heart. My younger sibling already left for Japan 10 years ago and has settled there. If I also move abroad, there will be no children left in Korea. My mother has been growing emotionally weaker lately and wishes that my sibling abroad would also come back to Korea. In this situation, if I bring up my plans to move abroad, I think she will be deeply saddened. I cannot reverse my decision, but thinking of my mother troubles me. I would like to ask how I should tell my mother in a way that hurts her less, and with what mindset I should live abroad."

"Are you planning to stay abroad for a long time, or do you plan to live there for a few years and then come back?"

"My wife plans to stay permanently, but I would like to live there for about 2 to 3 years and then return."

"Is your wife's opportunity to go abroad a company assignment, or did she find a new job locally?"

"She found a job locally."

"Even if you go abroad intending to stay for life, circumstances may force you to return, and even if you plan to stay only 2 to 3 years, you may end up staying longer once you settle in. At this stage, there is no need to firmly decide whether you'll stay long or only for a few years. To put it in extreme terms, things could go wrong within 3 days and you might return, or you might end up staying for 30 years before coming back. For now, it's fine to think of it as a plan to 'live there for about 3 years and then return.' When we face a decision and our minds are complicated, it helps to reflect on the ecology of nature. Rabbits and squirrels living in the mountains risk their lives to protect their young after giving birth, but once the young grow into adults, each lives its own life. The young do not keep following their mother, nor does the mother care for her offspring throughout her life. Each lives its own life. Similarly, humans live under their parents' care when young, but as adults, they leave their parents' side and live their own lives. This is a natural phenomenon. When you marry and have a child, you must raise that child with devotion until they become an adult, and when your grown child leaves, you must also accept it naturally. However, we often think, 'Since my parents raised me, I must take care of them.' But this is not so much a principle of nature as it is a cultural custom created by human society. Of course, living near your parents and caring for them is a good thing. But it is not a bad thing if you cannot. Mistreating or hurting your parents is clearly wrong, but living apart from them is not wrong in itself. For example, becoming a monk did not make me unfilial to my parents, and if a monk returns to secular life, that is not necessarily a bad thing either. Just because someone stopped walking a better path doesn't make it bad, does it? Similarly, helping others is a good thing, but not helping them is not necessarily a bad thing.

However, not caring for young children is a problem, because they need protection. But as in your case, when adult children live apart from their parents, this is a natural aspect of life. From the parents' perspective, they may want to live with their children, but once children become adults, they inevitably live their own lives. This does not necessarily mean it is a bad thing. We cannot live achieving everything we want. Parents may want to live with their children, but in reality, this is often not the case. In the past, many people lived together as extended families, but now that is no longer common. Just as we eventually face death even though we want to live long, and just as we get sick even though we don't want to, there are times when we cannot live together even though we want to. Furthermore, you have now married and formed a new family. In that case, your wife's wishes should take priority over your parents' wishes. If, after getting married, you prioritize your parents' wishes over your spouse's, you are clinging to your past family relationships more than to your new family. Of course, living near your parents is a good thing. But in life, we cannot choose only what is good. You can simply be honest with your mother and say, 'It would be best if I could stay near you and take care of you, but our circumstances are such, so I'm sorry.' Once you go abroad, it is important to live your own life well and stay healthy. Continuously worrying about your parents in Korea does not actually help them. Rather, it may harm your own health and reduce your focus on life. Instead, living diligently, sending a little more allowance, calling more often, and visiting a few times a year to spend time together are much more practical forms of help. Worries and concerns don't really help. So if you've decided to go, don't carry it too heavily—go with a calm heart. As for your parents, sincerely express your feelings of guilt to them. Your parents may try to hold you back, but that is a parent's heart. When I became a monk, my parents also cried and tried to hold me back. Should I have given up becoming a monk because of my parents' feelings? No, of course not. In the end, you must walk your own path. With time, both sides gradually adjust. Instead, out of consideration for your parents, it would be good to visit them once or twice a year and call about once a week. It's also good to be mindful of contributing to their livelihood. Being consistent and sincere without going to excess—this is the desirable attitude."

"Yes, thank you, Sunim."