I’m Afraid of Getting Hurt, So I Don’t Give My Best, and It Makes Me Feel Ashamed.

I’m Afraid of Getting Hurt, So I Don’t Give My Best

“I find it difficult and frightening to give my best effort. I work in theater and musicals, and I’ve been active in the field for about 20 years. I’m 45 years old. While I’m not a very famous actor, I believe I’ve been living well as an artist and technician in my field, accumulating time and experience. However, as I’ve gotten older, the range of roles I can play has changed, and with the changing environment, I’m experiencing a slump. As I’ve been hurt during auditions or on actual sets, giving my best has become increasingly difficult. When I pour my heart into something and give my best effort but the results don’t turn out well or something disappointing happens, it’s hard for me to handle. So at some point, I started avoiding this by only giving about 70-80% of what I’m capable of. For example, I once passed an audition for a production, but my casting was canceled because they said I didn’t match the image of the work. After experiencing that, at the next season’s audition, even though I had prepared everything, I lied as if I hadn’t given my best effort. It was because I thought I would fail anyway. The result wasn’t good either. I deliberately prepare 20-30% less, or I make excuses for myself. Then self-loathing immediately rushes in, and as this pattern repeated, I developed depression. I’d like to ask how I can overcome this situation and work joyfully again.”

“You use expressions like ‘I gave my best’ or ‘I couldn’t give my best,’ but when I analyze these words psychologically, it seems you’re evaluating them based on the results. When the results are good, you say ‘I gave my best,’ and when the results don’t turn out as desired, you judge it as ‘I couldn’t give my best.’

According to Causes and Conditions

However, this issue isn’t about whether you gave your best or not. While I can provide the cause, I cannot determine the result. It’s true that results arise from causes, but causes can be further divided into direct causes (因) and situational conditions (緣). So to be precise, we should say ’cause-condition-effect (因緣果)’ rather than just ’cause and effect (因果).’

I’m Afraid of Getting Hurt, So I Don’t Give My Best

If I want to harvest potatoes, I need to plant potatoes. I shouldn’t plant onions and expect potatoes. Planting potatoes is the ‘因’ (direct cause) that I can control. But ‘緣’ (conditions) are different. The condition of the field, the amount of fertilizer, the amount of rain, even how much wild animals like boars come and eat – these various conditions are ‘緣.’ Because of these, even though I planted potatoes, the yield can be large or small. The results don’t turn out as I predicted. There are unexpected variables and unstable factors that affect the results, so it’s not just about me working hard. The same applies to your theater work. Various elements come into play to create the results – your acting partners, the theme of the work, the theater company’s situation, the social atmosphere. Just because I work hard doesn’t mean the results will be good. Everyone is doing their best in their own way. ‘You could have done more, why didn’t you?’ is merely others’ evaluation – the person themselves did their best within their capacity. For example, when a student is studying for a retake exam and friends who got into college ask them to hang out, naturally they’d want to join. They might get distracted while studying. Then if they fail the exam again, they regret thinking, ‘If only I had studied harder then.’ But when they try again, it’s the same. In fact, the student did their best given all those conditions. Not sleeping, not eating, not playing, and giving your absolute best is a theoretical ideal – it’s impossible in reality. Therefore, we always live doing our best within the conditions of our own will. When you say ‘I didn’t give my best,’ it’s actually because the results didn’t match your intentions. You’re misunderstanding that you didn’t give your best because of the regret that ‘if only I had tried harder.’ You are giving your best even now. It’s just that the results don’t align with your intentions. Is there any student who comes out of an exam saying, ‘I did well on this test’? In a class of 50, there might not even be one or two. Everyone thinks they did poorly on the exam. The reason is that if my ability is 100, I want the exam result to be 120. But in reality, the exam result comes out to be 70-80. Since I wanted 120 but got 70-80, which is nearly half of what I expected, everyone thinks they failed the exam. But statistically, when my ability is 100, getting 70-80 in the exam room is normal. Sometimes you might get 100, but there are also cases where you get below 50, so on average, 70-80 is correct. Therefore, if you want a stable result of 100, you need to build your ability up to about 150. Only then will you get the desired results on average. The ’20-30% deficiency’ you mention doesn’t mean you didn’t put in that much effort – it means the results fell short by that much. You’re interpreting this as the cause, thinking ‘I didn’t try hard enough,’ but that’s not the reality. You’ve already done your best, and it’s normal for results to always fall short of expectations. You need to accept this fact and think, ‘Even that much is quite good.’ If you made a movie aiming for 1 million viewers and 700,000 came, you should evaluate it as ‘That’s quite a lot.’ Expecting 1 million viewers and getting 2 million only happens occasionally. There are cases where you expect 5 million but don’t even get 1 million, aren’t there? Sometimes it rains heavily all at once, but occasionally it doesn’t rain at all. Most of the time, it just rains moderately. This is the principle of nature and the principle of life.

Rather Than Self-Loathing, Be Grateful for the Present

You have absolutely no need to feel self-loathing. From my perspective, your condition is normal. You’re doing well enough for your ability. However, because you have the desire to do better, you make a distorted evaluation of your current state, and this ultimately becomes the cause of depression. You should have the perspective of being grateful that you can still stand on the theater stage even after turning 40. Don’t set your standard on becoming famous, but cherish the fact that you can still do theater and stand on stage. If you have this perspective, I think you’ll be able to enjoy your work again.”

“Thank you.”