How Can I Overcome the Sense of Loss After Losing a Loved One?

Hello. Today marks the seventh lecture of Venerable Pomnyun Sunim’s North American West Coast tour. While yesterday’s lecture was held at CMC University in the northeast of Los Angeles, today’s event takes place at California State University, Northridge (CSUN), located in the northwest of Los Angeles.

After completing his early morning practice and meditation, Sunim participated online in the International Branch Volunteers’ Day event starting at 5 AM. This time was arranged for the members of the newly established International Special Branch, aimed at global dharma propagation – a goal of Jungto Society’s Second 10,000-Day Practice – to strengthen their bonds, cohesion, and maintain a proper practice-oriented perspective.

The event began with the recitation of the Three Refuges and Words for Practice, attended by about 70 International Special Branch volunteers from around the world.

First, there was a time for participant introductions. Each regional group, including New York, Dallas, Seattle, Washington, Europe, Toronto, LA, Tokyo, Southeast Asia, and Sydney, enthusiastically chanted their slogans while introducing themselves.

“Aja, aja, from Tokyo! Let’s go, let’s go, to the world!”

“Oompa, oompa, oompapa! Crossing the blue sea to Hong Kong, Vietnam, Indonesia, Malaysia, one for a hundred!”

Despite the time differences from dawn to night across countries, the enthusiasm for global dharma propagation was united.

After the lively group introductions, everyone requested a dharma talk from Sunim with three bows. Sunim offered words of encouragement to the volunteers who are doing much with few people, along with explaining the characteristics of the pioneering work of global dharma propagation.

“Any pioneering work requires a lot of effort. As the old saying goes, ‘Well begun is half done,’ a lot of time goes into preparation. So, I hope you would approach your activities with the perspective that ‘the International Branch is currently doing pioneering work.’ Of course, it would be nice if the results of our hard work could be shown in numbers, people, money, buildings, or books. However, practice means not being obsessed with results. We shouldn’t evaluate our work solely based on outward appearances. From a psychological perspective, this time of overcoming difficulties and preparing to create something new can be said to be the most rewarding time in life.

You Are People Writing a Page of History

In the early days of Jungto Society, we had no place of our own, so we rented buildings, lived in greenhouses, went to Nanjido to collect discarded materials to build houses, and started the Awakening Retreat in Mungyeong by setting up huts and using candles for lighting. In a way, these processes can be considered even more precious. Today’s Jungto Society came into being through these processes; nothing happened automatically without such processes. Moreover, it’s during these difficult times, working together and overcoming challenges, that deep affection and trust for fellow practitioners develop. If we focus solely on results, it can lead to competition. I’m not saying it’s okay to have no results. I wanted to emphasize that to achieve any result, a lot of unseen effort is required, and I hope you would approach your activities with the perspective of ‘I am pioneering.’

I pioneered most of the early work of Jungto Society. However, recent initiatives like the international branches are being pioneered by you. The pioneers are the true owners. As you are pioneering the spread of the Dharma worldwide, you are the true owners of Jungto Society. Since the start of the Second 10,000-Day Practice, the international branches probably account for less than 5% of Jungto Society as a whole. However, in the long run, you are at the center of spreading the Dharma globally, and it can be said that the path to global Dharma propagation is now opening through you. You are writing an important page in history right now. So, despite various difficulties, I hope you will continue to write this historical page with a sense of fulfillment.

What Must Be Maintained No Matter How Busy We Are

Even for those living in temple communities who are unmarried, without regular jobs, and living as practitioners, it’s easy for practice to take a back seat when work is always prioritized. They might end up investing less time in practice and lacking the fundamental perspective compared to those who have regular jobs but consistently attend Dharma assemblies and participate in the 1000-Day Practice. This is because while they may know a lot from listening, they don’t actually practice much as they prioritize work. The international branches are likely to face the same risk. Thoughts like “Let’s do one more translation” or “We need to develop one more piece of content” can unknowingly lead to losing sight of the practice perspective. While there might be short-term work achievements, it ultimately leads to burnout and quitting. First, we need to take a long-term view rather than a short-term one. When we center our lives on practice, it may seem less efficient for work in the short term, but in the long run, work efficiency improves. Second, through diligent practice, we must always maintain a practice-oriented perspective to generate the aspiration that answers “Why are we doing this work?” If we lose the practice perspective by being overwhelmed with work, we later find ourselves constantly falling into thoughts like “Why am I doing this?” and feeling overwhelmed. We lose sight of the perspective that “Overcoming these difficulties is practice.” Just as couples think divorce is the solution when they don’t get along, or people think quitting is the answer when work gets tough, we might think quitting Jungto activities will solve our problems when we face difficulties. That’s why it’s necessary to maintain essential practices no matter how busy we are. This is not for others, but for ourselves. It’s not just for the present, but for the future. If we don’t lose sight of our practice, we can continue for a long time, but if we do, it becomes difficult to persist.

No matter how busy one is, those who persistently practice, almost stubbornly, will eventually experience change. Those who don’t tend to become tired easily. This leads to feeling dissatisfied, wanting to quit, change departments, or constantly trying to solve problems by fulfilling their own demands. In this way, they forget why we practice and why we engage in activities to solve many of the world’s difficulties. As a result, slogans like “Let’s overcome the limits of human civilization and create a new civilization!” begin to sound hollow. In fact, one needs self-confidence in these matters to feel energized while working, but without it, one becomes just like ordinary people who live with complaints and dissatisfaction.

When we carry out our activities with a clear goal and a smile even in difficult times, we can move people. Without this, we lose our impact. When we consistently do one thing, we can maintain our balance and persevere even if we waver slightly. If we neglect our practice, we risk becoming mere functionaries without the identity of a practitioner. Conversely, giving up activities to focus solely on practice goes against the Jungto Society spirit of unifying work and practice. We must examine ourselves while doing this work. We must consistently practice even in the midst of our busy schedules. With this attitude, you can continue your activities for a long time.

Following this, there was a Dharma Q&A session where participants could ask questions about their activities. Seven people had pre-registered to ask questions and engaged in dialogue with Sunim, after which impromptu questions were also taken.↵

The discussion covered a wide range of topics, including the goals of the Jungto Dharma School, the issue of work being concentrated among a few highly capable individuals, appropriate communication methods with locals, cooperation between international and overseas branches, and branding the image of engaged Buddhism that practices social action. The International Division Volunteers’ Day event concluded at 7 AM after these conversations with Sunim.↵

Sunim had breakfast and then took a short rest.

From 10 AM, an online meeting was held for international branch members who use local languages. Nine Jungto Society members who use languages other than Korean and five Jungto Dharma School graduates joined the video conference. They recited the Three Refuges and Words for Practice, followed by self-introductions.

“Welcome everyone, Today is our first member’s day together with Venerable Pomnyun Sunim.”

The first batch of graduates from the Jungto Dharma School, an English-language Buddhist studies program, completed their course in February this year. Those who became Jungto Society members have been holding monthly meetings. After self-introductions from North America East, North America West, and Europe, Sunim gave a Dharma talk for the members.

“Today is the first time non-Korean Jungto Society members have gathered to discuss how we can spread the Dharma to people around the world. Jungto Society is a community of practitioners. Based on practice, we engage in many social activities such as poverty eradication, peace movements, environmental action, and sustainable development. I hope that through today’s session, you will become more active in your practice, giving, and service.”

Sunim then explained about the life of a practitioner, how Jungto Society operates through volunteering, and various social action activities. He then took questions from the participants. Various questions followed.

Can Sunim advise how to study various Sutra?

I would like to reintroduce Buddhism to the Punjabi region of India where I was born. How can I do this?

The last questioner expressed concern about the future of Jungto Society after Sunim passes away.

What Will Happen to Jungto Society After Venerable Pomnyun Sunim Passes Away?

“I understand that worrying about the future in advance is not a good thing. Nevertheless, I keep feeling concerned about what will happen to Jungto Society in the future without Venerable Pomnyun Sunim. Considering my age and Sunim’s age, I will likely be involved with Jungto Society for a long time, even in a time when Sunim is no longer with us. I’m curious about what direction Jungto Society will pursue and how it will operate in such a situation.”

“In Korea, Jungto Society has already transferred most of its activities to suitable individuals, so there’s no need to worry too much about my absence. However, since I am well-known publicly, there might be some external loss. But internally, I don’t think there will be any significant loss for Jungto Society.

Many people think that my presence is a great help to Jungto Society, but that’s not always the case. Because of my presence, it’s very difficult for Jungto Society members to step outside the boundaries I’ve set. So when I’m gone, there might actually be a new vitality as people try to move beyond those boundaries, which could help Jungto Society develop. Whether you see my absence as an advantage and gain new vitality, or see it as a disadvantage and let Jungto Society’s activities become constrained, depends entirely on you who will lead Jungto Society’s future.

However, in terms of spreading the Dharma globally, my absence might be a bit of an issue because global Dharma propagation hasn’t yet been fully established. So you need to hurry up with your practice. There isn’t much time left. I estimate we have at most about 10 years left.

When I’m gone, you’ll be able to act more freely outside the boundaries I’ve set, which might actually bring more vitality. However, there’s a risk that these activities might deviate from the fundamental spirit of Buddhism. That’s why I hope you’ll take time to study Buddha’s fundamental teachings more deeply.

Your free activities will certainly provide good vitality for the external expansion of Jungto Society. However, in that process, I hope you’ll deeply study Buddha’s fundamental teachings and then spread them in connection with your professional fields. For example, if the questioner is a psychiatrist, you could apply Buddha’s teachings to the fields of psychoanalysis and psychological counseling and develop them further.”

“Thank you. I will do that.”

After the conversation, Sunim encouraged the local language Jungto Society members, saying that today was a historic day.

“I heard that a total of 14 people participated today. It might seem like a small number, but it’s not small at all. Because when Buddha first transmitted his teachings, there were only five people. Buddhism began with those five people, commonly known as the five bhikkhus, Buddha’s first disciples. You are eight, which is much more than that.

Today Is the Day Jungto Society for the World Begins

Since Jungto Society started in Korea, some Korean cultural traditions are embedded within it. How to transcend Korean cultural traditions and approach universally to people of different countries and ethnicities is something you will have to create going forward. I tried to exclude Korean cultural traditions as much as possible, but inevitably, Korean cultural characteristics will be present throughout Jungto Society because I was born and raised in Korea. If you think that the Korean cultural characteristics embedded in Jungto Society are obstacles to people around the world universally accepting Buddha’s teachings, it would be good to improve them through many discussions. However, I hope that you, as initial members, will first accept it to some extent, and then work towards improvement when spreading it to new members.

Although this meeting was held in a simple online format, this occasion is very important. When we look back on today historically after a long time has passed, perhaps today will be remembered as the day Jungto Society for the world began. I look forward to your health and vibrant activities.”

After listening to Sunim’s words, all eight members engraved the aspiration for global Dharma propagation in their hearts. The online meeting concluded with the Four Great Vows, and lunch was served at 11:30 AM.

Immediately after finishing the meal, at 12 PM, Sunim set out to survey potential retreat center sites. While yesterday he had explored the northeastern outskirts of downtown LA, today he planned to survey the northwestern outskirts.

Before surveying the sites, he made a brief visit to Ms. Park Myung-gyu’s home.

“How have you been?”

“Thank you for coming.”

Ms. Park Myung-gyu served as the first general affairs manager when LA Jungto Society was initially established, laying the foundation for Jungto Society to become known in the LA Korean community. Her late husband, Dharma teacher Lee Kang-jun, first invited Sunim to LA in 1992, and in 1993, the first Awakening Retreat and Dharma assembly were held in LA.

Ms. Park slowly performed three full bows. Sunim reciprocated with a bow.

“My knees hurt, so this might be the last year I can offer bows.”

Sunim exchanged greetings, asking how she had been doing. Three of Ms. Park’s acquaintances and her daughter, who came to pay their respects to Sunim whom they admire, were also present.

“I will give my final lecture in Orange County tomorrow and then take a night flight back to Korea. It’s been a month.”

“Oh my, how will you manage with such fatigue? You don’t even fly business class, Sunim.”

“It’s good to take a night flight because I can sleep.”

After 30 minutes of conversation, Sunim expressed gratitude to Ms. Park, saying, “You really went through a lot in the early days.”

Sunim got back in the car and drove diligently to the outskirts of downtown LA. Since the current LA Jungto Retreat Center is too far from the city, he looked for potential sites closer to the city that could be used as a retreat center.

He surveyed a total of four locations throughout the afternoon. He had previously researched suitable places for a retreat center online. Upon visiting in person, he found that some had winding and rough access roads that would be difficult to navigate during winter snow, some had roads too close to villages, and others had unpaved roads. Each had its pros and cons.

He decided to review these options again when he visits LA next time and concluded the survey at 5 PM.

He drove for an hour towards downtown LA and arrived at the Dharma Q&A at 6 PM.

Today’s lecture is being held at the Orchard Conference Center on the campus of California State University, Northridge (CSUN) in Northridge, California.

fter a quick meal in the waiting room next to the lecture hall, He took commemorative photos with the volunteers who had prepared for the Dharma Q&A. This was because he needed to leave quickly after the Dharma Q&A to give a live Dharma talk for the Jungto Sutra School entrance ceremony.

“Los Angeles! Fighting!”

The volunteers then dispersed to their assigned areas to warmly welcome the attendees.

Many Americans came to the lecture hall after seeing the posters. At 7 PM, with about 150 people in attendance, Sunim’s introductory video ended, and he walked onto the stage amidst loud applause. Jason provided interpretation again today.

Sunim first gave a greeting and introduced the purpose of the Dharma Q&A.

“The various difficulties we face in life can be viewed from roughly two perspectives: mental and social. From a mental perspective, even under the same conditions, people react differently – some get angry, sad, or distressed to varying degrees. Our reactions differ depending on our state of mind. From a social perspective, the same person’s happiness can vary depending on the social conditions they find themselves in. In other words, social conditions greatly influence individual happiness. Despite these two aspects coexisting, arguments differ based on different viewpoints. Sociologists, who mainly study the impact of society on individuals, tend to advocate primarily for social improvements. On the other hand, religious people tend to emphasize that regardless of what society looks like, life can change depending on individual capacity, leaning more towards the view that ‘if only the individual does well, everything will be fine.'”

What Should I Do in This Situation?

“So, the topics for today’s Dharma Q&A can be either personal or social. We’re here to discuss any issues that make us struggle or feel difficult. In Buddhism, regardless of where the problem originates, we take the perspective of ‘What should I do in this situation?’ We don’t blame or resent others, but deal with problems by clearly focusing on our own perspective of ‘What should I do?’ This is Buddhist practice – becoming the master of oneself in any situation or problem that arises. Now, shall we begin our conversation?”

Those who had submitted questions in advance asked first, followed by spontaneous questions from those who raised their hands.

Over the course of an hour and a half, seven people engaged in dialogue with Sunim. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to overcome the sense of loss after losing a loved one.

**How Can I Overcome the Sense of Loss After Losing a Loved One?
** “I’m asking about your methods, or how you cope with loss and grief after losing loved ones, when it feels like they took a part of you with them.”

“How do you feel when you lose a cherished object? How about when you lose a beloved pet? The problem isn’t the ‘loved one,’ but your ‘attachment.’ If you’re not attached to an object, it doesn’t matter much whether it’s there or not. But if you become attached to it, you’ll go back to look for it even after leaving it behind. If you can’t find it, it stays on your mind for days. Even with a mere object, if you’re attached, you feel a great sense of loss when it’s gone. Attachment to pets is stronger than to objects, and attachment to people is inevitably stronger than to pets. Losing a loved one itself isn’t the problem. The problem lies in your excessive attachment to that person.

So, let’s return to the question of ‘What should I do now?’ Does your grieving bring that person back to life? If grieving could bring them back, then it would be okay to grieve. But if not, what’s the point of grieving? It’s just an act of tormenting yourself. It doesn’t help anyone and only causes you suffering. We call those who torment others bad people. But those who torment themselves are called foolish or stupid. You’re now doing something foolish. You’re calling your attachment love and tormenting yourself. Whether you continue to act foolishly or stop right now, it’s your choice. If you’re lonely being alone and need someone, you can find another person. You might say not now, but soon you might find someone else. When you lose a pet, it’s hard for a few days, but if you really need one, don’t you eventually replace it with another dog or cat? If you really need a cup, don’t you replace it with another when you lose it? So, if you let go of attachment, there’s no problem at all.

A woman who has lost her husband is wailing. Even when I try to comfort her, she continues to grieve. She worries, saying, “How can I live without my husband?” Then I ask her, “Are you worried about your deceased husband, or are you worried about yourself?” When she says, “How can I live alone now that my husband is gone?” is she really concerned about her dead husband? Or is she worried about how she will live from now on? In fact, she’s worried about how she herself will live. She’s not worried about her deceased husband, but about herself living alone in the future. This may seem selfish, but it’s the essence of human nature. She’s mistaking her own attachment for love and grieving because of it.

If the questioner needs someone, she can find another person. Those who cry and grieve the most tend to find a replacement more quickly. The reason is simple: they need the presence of a husband. Right now, she’s grieving because her husband has died, but because she needs the presence of a husband, she will soon find a substitute. This shouldn’t be considered bad. This is life. We shouldn’t approach these issues from an ethical or moral standpoint. It’s natural.

If you pat someone on the back who is grieving over the loss of a loved one and say, “It’s okay. Someone else will come along soon,” they will likely protest, “Are you saying I’m that fickle?” That’s not what I mean. What I’m saying is that another person will inevitably come into your life because you need someone. It’s like the principle of water finding its level – when the water level drops, other water flows in to maintain equilibrium. Similarly, the questioner will feel better as time passes. If the sadness doesn’t subside even after some time, it may not be due to the intensity of love, but rather a mental health issue. It could be a state of excessive attachment and obsession. In that case, it would be good to visit a hospital for counseling or treatment. With just a little help, you can quickly improve.

It seems your husband treated you very well. However, being treated well isn’t always a good thing. If someone treats you exceptionally well and then suddenly leaves, the sorrow becomes even greater. It also becomes difficult to meet someone new because it’s hard to find someone who measures up. It might feel as if your deceased husband is stronger than any living man, chasing away anyone who tries to approach you. So, there’s no need to be overly fond of a man or woman who cherishes you too much. There will inevitably come a time when you have to pay the price for it. As you live a long life, you’ll come to realize that nothing is particularly good or particularly bad.

“Thank you. I understand.”

The questions continued.

I’m curious about a meditation technique that can help me feel great compassion for the suffering around me while also experiencing inner joy.

My grandfather’s last wish was to visit his mother’s grave in North Korea. My parents oppose it due to political risks. Is it okay for me to keep this dream?

I’m curious about how nationalism and humanitarianism can coexist in Sunim’s social practices.

Technology is being developed to upload human brains to online servers to overcome the fear of death. What are Sunim’s thoughts on the moral issues of this?

My 9-year-old son is becoming more like me and is having increasing difficulty controlling his emotions. How can I help him manage his anger?

I’m studying psychiatry in medical school. What perspective should I have to maintain my own mental health while helping others with theirs?

By the time the conversation ended, it was 8:30 PM.

Immediately after, Sunim held a book signing backstage. Many attendees received Sunim’s signature, made eye contact, and expressed their gratitude.

“The lecture was really good. I learned a lot about how to be happy.”

The book signing ended in 10 minutes. As Sunim left the lecture hall, volunteers lined up at the entrance to see him off. Sunim shook hands with them, expressing his gratitude. This year, there were two lectures in LA, so many volunteers had served for two consecutive days.

“Thank you all for your hard work. I appreciate it.”

As the broadcast time approached, he quickly got into the car. After an hour’s drive, he barely made it to the accommodation just before the broadcast.

Sunim immediately took his place in front of the camera and started the live broadcast of the Jungto Sutra Course opening ceremony at 10 PM. It was 2 PM in Korea.

About 1,390 new students who enrolled in the September Sutra Course connected to the live broadcast. First, he watched a congratulatory video and listened to the sharing of some of the new students.

Then, he listened to the welcome speech from the President of Jungto Society, watched a video message from graduates, and together requested a Dharma talk from Sunim to commemorate the enrollment. Sunim conveyed his congratulations with a bright smile.

“I sincerely congratulate and welcome you all on your enrollment in the Jungto Sutra Course. In the Sutra Course, there are contents that help you understand Buddhism as a whole, contents that allow you to deepen your mind practice while studying sutras, and contents that teach you how logically sophisticated Buddhism is while studying the Heart Sutra. So, compared to the Buddhism Course, some parts may feel more difficult to study. It’s not just about freeing your mind from suffering as you might experience in Dharma Q&A sessions, but you’ll also learn about Buddhist history, doctrine, and philosophy. Through this process, you will develop your identity as a practitioner and a worldview.

You might think, ‘If the Buddhism Course was difficult, the Sutra Course will be even harder.’ However, it’s through this intense study that one can grow significantly. Constantly complaining about difficulties hinders progress in your studies. You need to adopt a broader perspective and think, ‘Alright, for these six months, I’ll wholeheartedly embrace whatever comes my way.’ This attitude is what allows for rapid improvement.”

Sunim then proceeded to introduce the curriculum structure and characteristics of the Sutra Course in detail. He also discussed the mindset students should maintain while studying for the next six months. The Dharma talk concluded at 11 PM. It had been another long day.

Tomorrow, the eighth and final lecture of the North American West Coast tour will be held in Orange County for Korean expatriates. After the lecture, Sunim is scheduled to board a flight back to Korea immediately.