I'm 38 Years Old and Still Depend on My Parents. How Can I Become Independent?

Hello. Today, Sunim began his day with a breakfast meeting of religious leaders, followed by a live morning Weekly Dharma Assembly, an afternoon research seminar at The Peace Foundation, a planning committee meeting, and an evening live Weekly Dharma Assembly.

Sunim started his day with early morning practice and meditation. After 7 a.m., Sunim headed to the basement dining hall of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. Today was the day for the monthly "Religious Leaders' Meeting for National Reconciliation and Peace." The bishop, pastor, priest, Won Buddhist minister, and Cheondogyo leader arrived at the center one by one, and Sunim warmly welcomed them. Around 7:20 a.m., once all the participants had arrived, a carefully prepared meal was served by The Peace Foundation staff and volunteers. Breakfast began with a mealtime prayer offered by Park Nam-soo, the Cheondogyo leader who chairs the religious leaders' meeting. The lettuce that Sunim had harvested in Dubuk yesterday was also on the table.

After breakfast, Sunim and the religious leaders moved to the 10th-floor conference room of The Peace Foundation to continue their conversation. Sunim shared a video of his recent visit to Bhutan with the religious leaders.

The video captured Sunim personally visiting 112 sites to inspect the progress of construction and encourage local residents.

After watching the video, Bishop Park Kyung-jo said to Sunim:

"Sunim, all that talk about you being unwell turns out to be a lie. (laughter)"

"Look at my face. I look half dead. (laughter) In the old days, I would have been going around full of energy."

"You're carrying it all alone on behalf of us."

After discussing the situation in Bhutan, Father Kim Hong-jin shared his recent experience walking the Camino de Santiago pilgrimage route in Spain.

"After walking 130 km, I realized that if you walk slowly, you can get anywhere."

Since the religious leaders were scheduled to depart for Sri Lanka in a few days to meet with religious leaders there, time was taken to go over the preparations and the itinerary.

After the briefing, Bishop Park Kyung-jo said:

"As I was listening, I thought that we shouldn't just go to Sri Lanka. How about proposing that we also meet with religious leaders across Korea—Catholic, Buddhist, Christian, Won Buddhist, and others—and work together for peace in Korea? Our religious leaders' meeting is truly a wonderful gathering. It seems to be a really good gathering for ourselves as well."

After discussing inter-Korean relations, the role of religious leaders, and the results of the June 3 local elections, it was time to wrap up the meeting. They agreed to meet at the airport on Monday, and after closing the meeting, Sunim saw the religious leaders off.

Sunim then moved to the Dharma Hall to give a Dharma talk at the Weekly Dharma Assembly. About a hundred members of the Sangha had gathered in the 3rd-floor Dharma Hall. At 10 a.m., the Weekly Dharma Assembly began with the Three Refuges and the recitation of the Heart Sutra. Jungto Society members joined the assembly online via video conferencing. After watching the weekly news of Jungto practitioners on video, the assembled Sangha requested the Dharma talk from Sunim with three bows.

Sunim began his Dharma talk by saying that he had been in Dubuk for the past few days, where the summer weather had been as cold as autumn. He shared the results of the INEB study tour and encouraged members to participate in the opening ceremony of the second 100-day prayer of the 2nd 1000-Day Practice this Sunday. He also announced that he would be visiting Sri Lanka next week to exchange with religious leaders there.

Two pre-registered questioners were online, but due to a problem with the broadcasting system, the audio could not be transmitted, so questions were taken on-site instead. Two questioners at the venue asked Sunim questions.

▪ I would like to propose forming a task force for the restoration of the Hwangnyongsa Temple site and for world peace.

▪ I am so happy and honored to meet Sunim in person. I would like to ask if Sunim has any new vows or good plans in mind for the future. Also, as I am planning the second chapter of my life, I would like to donate half of my assets in three years.

After the Dharma assembly, Sunim had lunch with Yoon Se-young, the founder and chairman of SBS, along with his wife and child. Chairman Yoon greeted Sunim by thanking him for appearing on "Dharma Master Pomnyun Road - Sunim and His Guests." After having lunch in the dining hall, they moved to The Peace Foundation to continue their conversation. Sunim guided Chairman Yoon and his family around various parts of the Jungto Social and Cultural Center. Sunim explained each location in an easy-to-understand way to the chairman and his wife, who are 93 years old.

As it happened, the "Outreach Seocho Young Artists Concert," co-hosted by Seocho-gu Office and the Jungto Social and Cultural Center, was being held on the 1st-floor Spanish Steps, so Sunim and the chairman's party took a moment to sit down and enjoy the music.

After seeing the chairman's party off, Sunim went straight to the research seminar being held at The Peace Foundation.

For the research seminar, Kim Jin-wook, a retired career diplomat who now serves as a full-time volunteer at The Peace Foundation, prepared a lecture titled "The Astonishing World of Quanta!" based on his reading and long-standing research.

"Quantum mechanics is a rather difficult topic, but I will try to organize it as simply as possible, focusing on what I have learned along the way.

On a clear day, the diameter of the pupil that allows you to see the outside world is generally about 3 mm. How many atoms can fit into this circle? The annual budget of Korea's 17 metropolitan cities and provinces is statistically about $116.5 billion. Yet, more than that—230 trillion atoms—can fit into this 3 mm flat circle. Now we are going to explore that incredibly minute world."

To invite participants into the world of quanta, which is beyond our imagination, Kim Jin-wook shared the latest news about quantum physics, sci-fi films, and stories of great physicists. He then comprehensively and engagingly explained the core content of the so-called "Copenhagen interpretation," concepts such as quantum superposition, quantum entanglement, and quantum leaps, as well as the influence of quantum mechanics and its applications in modern society.

After the two-and-a-half-hour lecture and Q&A session, Sunim shared his thoughts.

"Looking at this from a different angle, when we say we 'understand' something, it means we understand it by comparing it with what we already know. So if we have a lot of information, it's easy to understand, and if we have little information, it's difficult. But the problem is that when the system itself is of a different dimension, what we know can actually become an obstacle. This is because we keep trying to understand things based on what we already know. Since we always try to understand things based on experience, that's how the geocentric theory came about. The same is true for the microscopic world. Because we only know the macroscopic world, we try to understand the unknown world from the perspective of the macroscopic world, which leads to contradictions, and we end up explaining it only as two different phenomena being superimposed in the microscopic world. When 20,000 car parts are assembled according to a blueprint to create one car, it produces light, movement, and sound. Trying to understand this light, movement, and sound as individual elements, just like the 20,000 car parts, is similar. Because we understand things this way, when the car is dismantled, we wonder where the elements of light, sound, and movement went, while all the other elements are still there. When the 20,000 parts are just sitting in a basket, these phenomena don't occur, but when assembled, a third phenomenon emerges. But isn't the problem that we try to understand it in the same way? In other words, when matter is combined in a highly complex design, a third phenomenon called the phenomenon of life emerges, but errors arise because we keep trying to understand that phenomenon of life only as a material phenomenon. So we end up thinking, 'When we disassemble it, where did that sound go? When we reassemble it, doesn't it come back?' We keep thinking this way.

Dependent origination is not simply about being 'connected,' but the core of dependent origination is that a third phenomenon emerges through that connection. If we understand this third phenomenon as an element—that is, if we understand it as an element called 'self (我),'—then no such element exists. This is 'non-self (無我).' It doesn't mean nothing exists. To put it simply, when hydrogen and oxygen combine to form water, we think there is an element of water. But when hydrogen and oxygen are separated, water disappears. We think this element of water has gone somewhere and 'comes back' when hydrogen and oxygen combine again. So the property of water is a third property that emerges from the combination of oxygen and hydrogen, and it can be seen as 'a third property that emerges from the connected whole.' As for the microscopic world, we can just look at things as they appear and happen, but when we try to explain them in terms of the real world, we run into difficulties. From that perspective, when studying quantum mechanics, rather than trying to understand it, it would be better to accept the phenomena as they appear and ask, 'What kind of mutual relationship exists between these phenomena?' and recognize, 'In the microscopic world, there is this kind of relationship,' understanding it as a dimension different from the macroscopic world."

At 4 p.m., there was a planning committee meeting. Experts analyzed and committee members discussed how to view the trends and changes in public opinion regarding the results of the June 3 local elections, and how they might change in the future.

After the planning committee meeting, Sunim attended to business and then moved to the Dharma Hall for the evening Dharma assembly. About a hundred members of the Sangha had gathered in the Dharma Hall for the regular Wednesday Weekly Dharma Assembly, and Jungto practitioners from across the country had also joined online to listen to Sunim's Dharma talk.

Sunim watched the weekly news of Jungto practitioners with the Sangha and heard about the week's events at Jungto Society. The Sangha then requested the Dharma from Sunim with the Dharma-requesting song and three bows.

"Hello, Jungto practitioners. It has been almost 100 days since we began the first 100-day prayer of the 2nd 1000-Day Practice. This Sunday is the day to close the first 100-day prayer and open the second 100-day prayer. I hope that those who have been practicing diligently during the first 100-day prayer, as well as those who have not practiced properly or did not even register, will be sure to register for the second 100-day prayer. Let us walk together the path of the Buddha and the path of the practitioner, where I become the master of my own life and the master of the world. The world is currently experiencing much turmoil and difficulty. For thousands of years, humanity has continuously strived to make food, clothing, and shelter abundant because they were scarce. As a result, in recent times, humanity has come to live in a world where food, clothing, and shelter are no longer a major problem. Although a few people still go hungry or naked, the number of people living in absolute poverty has greatly decreased. So can we say that human society is more peaceful and stable? No. Wars are still going on. Conflicts between countries, and within a single country between political forces, are getting worse in country after country. Even the harmony of the family, which we have traditionally upheld, is being shaken, and people are becoming individualized, living in a society where individualism is rampant. Are people happy now? No. Despite the development of material civilization, most individuals are now experiencing 'poverty amid abundance,' and people are living in 'loneliness amid the crowd' even though they live close to their neighbors.

Make My Life Free and Happy Through the 1000-Day Practice

What is the way to solve these problems? Of course, changing society to make it more just would help on one hand, but that alone is not enough. We need to manage our own minds by restraining our desires. We also need to adjust our human relationships by acknowledging and understanding others who are different from us. And we need to realize that nature is no longer an object of conquest but the foundation of our lives, and live in harmony with nature. The one who taught us this way of life is the Buddha. The Buddha's teachings guide us to become freer from this restlessness, loneliness, and anger.

It is necessary to understand the Buddha's Dharma correctly, but even when we understand the teachings, they often do not lead to practice. That is why we must practice consistently. This is the purpose of the 1000-Day Practice. By having more people participate in the 1000-Day Practice and practice together, we make our own lives free and happy, and become people who help others rather than harm them. When we do that, our lives become not only free and happy but also fulfilling, and our self-esteem grows. I hope more of you will join us in this second 100-day prayer. June is now coming to an end. Tomorrow marks the day the Korean War, the most tragic event in our modern history, began. Our people endured great sacrifices under Japanese imperialist oppression for over 40 years from the Eulsa Treaty, and as soon as we were liberated, we were divided by the great powers. Governments aligned with the interests of the great powers were established in both the South and the North, and we ended up accepting the division imposed by foreign powers. In this situation, North Korea launched a war under the pretext of reunification, and South Korea, also invoking reunification, marched north. As neighboring countries, including the United States and China, joined the war, it expanded into an international war. This war caused millions of casualties and brought the pain of separation to more than ten million people. It also destroyed countless properties.

We Need a Resolute Commitment to Peace

We have overcome that pain and have, to some degree, successfully achieved economic growth and democratization. However, the fundamental pain of division still remains, and the risk of war breaking out again between North and South is also growing. We need, at the very least, a resolute commitment to peace—that there must never be another war on this land. North and South need to recognize and cooperate with each other. We must also cooperate with neighboring countries to build peace together. That is what we must do now. In June, we had Memorial Day on June 6 to honor those who sacrificed their lives for the country, and the June 15 Joint Declaration calling for the divided South and North to cooperate peacefully and move toward reunification. June is also the month when we reflect on the painful tragedy of the Korean War and repent.

Now that July is approaching, summer is about to begin in earnest. Please all take care of yourselves in the heat. During my recent visit to Bhutan, I sweated so much for two weeks that I think I suffered heat exhaustion. Even now, I have no appetite and am experiencing indigestion and loss of motivation. I'm in a state where everything feels bothersome. (laughter) These are the symptoms that appear when you have heat exhaustion. After sweating a lot and depleting my physical strength, my body has fallen into a state of lethargy. In summer, working long hours in the sweltering heat while sweating can harm your health. Especially for those who do physical labor, I hope you will avoid the heat as much as possible, work slowly, and take care of your health. Having experienced it myself, it is not a pleasant thing. But at the time, I had to visit 112 places in ten days, so there was no choice. In any case, I hope you all take care of your health. Some of you tried to ask questions this morning but couldn't due to a broadcast malfunction. Let's hear their stories now."

Online, the two pre-registered questioners who couldn't ask their questions in the morning asked Sunim questions, and one person asked from the venue. One of them, who is in her late 30s, shared her concern that she is still dependent on her parents and seems to lack independence.

I'm 38 Years Old and Still Depend on My Parents. How Can I Become Independent?

" I'm thirty-eight years old this year, and I'm worried that I lack independence for my age. My parents are financially comfortable, so they have continued to support me even after I became an adult. However, I don't think I appreciated how precious that was or used it as a foundation, and I seem to have grown into someone who lacks independence and is dependent. Even after graduating from college, I have rarely engaged in consistent economic activity or held a steady job that could support me. My counselor told me that I haven't done what I need to do in life and have only done what I want to do, as if it were a hobby. Even the volunteer work I do at Jungto Society sometimes feels like I'm escaping because I have no direction in life. As I get older, I feel like I'm still a teenager going through puberty. I think it's because I haven't experienced the hardships and experiences appropriate for my age. I should muster the will to work even now, but my lifestyle of not knowing the value of money has become a habit, and I don't feel the urgency to make a living. Sunim, you always say that volunteering and helping others is the way to create merit and be useful, so I have been doing various activities at Jungto Society to build my strength. Even so, I still feel like I'm a child who lacks independence. How can I grow into an adult?"

"The best option would be Jungto Society's '100-Day Chulga program, a residential retreat to let go of the old self and begin life anew.' Have you tried it?"

"I'm currently receiving psychiatric treatment, so I think I should do it after I become stronger. I haven't tried it yet."

"Do you have any physical issues besides the mental ones?"

"I have hypochondria, so I think I've set mental limits on myself. I'm not particularly strong, but I don't have any specific health problems."

"If the 100-Day Chulga program is difficult, there are also programs like the '49-Day Mungyeong Stay.' Participating in overseas volunteer work at Jungto Society isn't something you can just do because you want to. If you go and can't adjust and come back, the travel expenses will be wasted, so it's good to first try communal living somewhere like the Mungyeong Jungto Retreat Center. After that, going to Mindanao in the Philippines or India to take care of children in need would greatly help you develop independence. Earning money isn't the only form of independence. If you can support your own food, clothing, and shelter through your own labor, that's also independence.

You can be independent even while living in your parents' house. Get up early in the morning, clean the house, and prepare meals to serve your parents. Suppose a housekeeper works four hours a day and earns about 50,000 won. That would amount to about 1.5 million won per month. Even if you don't calculate it precisely in monetary terms, if you do that much housework and give back to your parents for the food, clothing, room, and allowance you receive, that's also independence. If you live like that, your parents will no longer worry about you. They'll think, 'Ah, this child can live without me. She can cook her own meals and live on her own,' and trust will form. That is independence. If they always have to cook for you, wake you up in the morning, and clean your room, while it's hard work for the parents, they also worry, 'Can this child live alone if we're gone?' Even if you don't have a job, if you have good daily habits, they'll trust that 'she can live on her own.'

However, even if you decide to be independent at home, it's easy to quickly fall into familiarity and laziness. If you can do it consistently at home, there's no need to do the 49-Day Mungyeong Stay. But if you repeatedly start something and quit after a few days, it would be good to come and live in the community. After that, you can return home to live, or you can be dispatched abroad as a volunteer. If you serve for about three years and create merit, your heart will naturally feel fulfilled and your fears will diminish. If you have mental difficulties, you can continue taking medication while engaging in activities. However, if your doctor's opinion is that your health condition makes independent living difficult, then the blanket statement that you must be independent because you're an adult doesn't apply. We cannot speak of independence to someone with a physical disability or mental issues who finds it difficult to live on their own. They are people who rightfully need protection.

In such cases, there's no need to feel guilty about receiving support. A young child isn't going into debt by being protected, right? But if someone who doesn't need protection continues to receive protection, that is going into debt and not being independent. According to the order of nature, they would be eliminated. When a fully grown animal can't find food, no one brings food to it. When it's a cub, the mother provides food, but once it's fully grown, if it can't find food on its own, it dies. That's how nature works. However, in human society, when someone temporarily cannot be independent due to illness, disability, or accident, we help each other to overcome that obstacle together. I hope you go through the process I've described and build strong mental health. If that still feels intimidating, try commuting to the Seoul Jungto Social and Cultural Center and start volunteering in the dining hall. After gradually building up your stamina that way, try the 49-Day Mungyeong Stay, and if that goes well, try the 100-Day Chulga program. After that, if you go abroad and do volunteer work for about three years, you'll be about forty years old. Then, even if you don't get a job when you return, you can take care of household affairs at home and live on your own. Home is also like a company run by your parents. Even if you receive living expenses from your parents, if it's compensation for doing housework, it's different from receiving without giving anything in return. In that case, it counts as independence. You don't have to think that you can only be independent if you receive a salary from outside."

"Thank you for your words. I'm helping with my father's work. I'd like to ask if that kind of arrangement is also acceptable."

"Earning income while helping with your father's work is also fine. But if your father were to pass away, could you live on your own? That's why, even if you help with your father's work, it would be good to learn the work properly so that you can take responsibility for it alone, rather than just helping as if it were a part-time job. If you can cover your living expenses by helping with your father's work, that's also independence. But if that's not enough, you should look for additional work."

"Yes, I understand. Thank you, Sunim."

After the Dharma assembly, Sunim wrapped up his work and took a rest.

Tomorrow, Sunim plans to participate in The Peace Foundation's regular symposium and a foundation meeting on the realities of North Korea.