How Can I Help My Husband Who Is in a Precarious Situation?

Hello. Today, Sunim departed from Korea for flood relief activities in Indonesia.

Sunim left Seoul Jungto Center at 5 AM and headed to Incheon Airport. Since it was early morning, there was no traffic, and he arrived at the airport at 6 AM. After completing departure procedures, he had a simple breakfast at the airport before boarding the plane, as the budget airline did not provide meals.

After boarding the plane on time, Sunim briefly handled some business matters by phone before takeoff. After a 6-hour and 20-minute flight, he arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport in Malaysia at 1:30 PM local time.

After a simple lunch at the airport, Sunim received an update on the situation in Indonesia from Director Park Gina (박지나). Director Park and JTS staff members had departed for Indonesia on the 25th to begin distribution activities in advance.

Indonesia experienced severe tropical cyclones (typhoons) at the end of November last year, causing massive landslides and floods. Numerous homes were swept away, thousands of buildings were submerged, hundreds of people lost their lives, and millions of residents suffered flood damage. Although three months have passed since the cyclone damage, soil from landslides still remains inside homes, making it impossible for residents to return to their daily lives.

From January 8 to 11 this year, Sunim surveyed the flood-affected areas in Indonesia, and from the 17th to 19th, he went to Aceh Province to distribute emergency supplies needed for flood recovery. Relief supplies included wheelbarrows and shovels to help remove soil from homes, along with cleaning tools and kitchen supplies, supporting over 950 households in 9 villages.

Two months after the January relief activities, relief work resumed. Yesterday, JTS staff members arrived at the site first and distributed relief supplies to over 450 households in 4 villages: 93 households in Kapa village, 123 households in Teupin Raya village, 112 households in Pante Baro Buket Panyang village, and 124 households in Pante Baro Gle Siblah village.

On the 27th, while Sunim was traveling from Korea to Indonesia, support was provided to a total of 314 households in 3 villages: 110 households in Pante Beureune village, 78 households in Dayah Usen village, and 126 households in Blang Cut village. Tomorrow, relief supplies will be distributed to support over 700 households in 3 villages together with Sunim. During the journey, he received updates on these local relief activities and distribution situations.

At 3:30 PM, Sunim boarded a flight from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia to Banda Aceh, Indonesia. After a 1-hour and 35-minute flight, he arrived in Banda Aceh around 4 PM.

Mr. Amir came to meet Sunim. They exchanged warm greetings. Mr. Amir has been providing support for purchasing supplies and driving since JTS began support activities in the Aceh region of Indonesia. He has also provided practical assistance for JTS’s relief activities in Indonesia by introducing local NGO organizations. The JTS staff members were distributing supplies in Bireuen and couldn’t come to the airport, so Mr. Amir came alone to meet Sunim.

At 4:20 PM, Sunim got in the vehicle and departed for the field site. It took nearly 4 hours to reach the location.

The sun had completely set and evening arrived. It was 8:10 PM when they finally arrived at the accommodation (Azar Hotel) in the Bireuen area. Sunim expressed his gratitude to Mr. Amir for driving from the airport to the local accommodation.

Sunim had a brief conversation with the JTS staff members and rested, concluding the day’s activities. Tomorrow, he will visit 3 villages in Aceh Province, Indonesia to provide supplies needed for flood damage recovery.

Since there was no Dharma talk today, this post concludes with a Dharma Q&A from a recent Weekly Dharma Assembly.

**How Can I Help My Husband Who Is in a Precarious Situation?
**
“I live with my daughter and husband. Since we got married, my husband’s work has continuously not gone well. In this situation, I haven’t been able to support my husband and have been criticizing him. Recently, the situation has worsened – his work isn’t going well and my husband seems to be feeling a lot of mental pressure and struggling. (Questioner tears up) I’m afraid and worried that my husband’s body and mind might collapse. Also, in this situation where communication with my husband is difficult, how can I help and guide him properly?”

“From my intuitive observation, in this situation, the person who needs to go to a local clinic isn’t your husband but you. You’re asking about your difficult situation and requesting solutions, but if you’re the owner of your life, you should think, ‘Ah, this situation has occurred. How should I solve this?'” Looking at how you’re asking the question, you’re not living autonomously right now but are being oppressed by a difficult situation, shedding tears and suffering. I’m not saying it’s okay that your husband is mentally struggling. However, you need to be centered first, not your husband. Whether your husband lives or dies, whether his company goes bankrupt, whether your child gets sick or doesn’t go to school – the event itself isn’t important. What’s important is that when something happens, you need to be able to handle it. If you’re not at a level where you can handle things, you shouldn’t think about helping others. Even with family, when your husband or child is struggling, that’s actually their problem. You need to be able to handle yourself before you can help them. But you’re struggling more, so we could say your family is at an unmanageable level for you. If you’ve just had a momentary lapse in thinking, I can help correct your perspective through our conversation. But just from your brief words, I can see that you’re the one struggling more. It seems necessary for you to receive psychiatric treatment first. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“Yes.”

“You think you’re fine and your family members are the problem, but that thinking is wrong. If I don’t have problems, even if someone dies, it’s not a big problem. If someone dies, you arrange the funeral; if your husband has mental problems, you help him get treatment at a hospital; if your daughter doesn’t want to go to school, you protect her at home and help her get consultation and treatment from a doctor. This is how you solve things. While it’s worse than if these things didn’t happen, even when they do happen, you handle them. The fact that you’re talking while crying means you can’t handle this situation right now. Just listening to your story, I can’t really know the actual situation. That’s because you’re in an agitated state, unable to see reality clearly and unable to cope. You might be making problems out of non-problems, or even if there are problems, you don’t have the ability to solve them.”

So I suggest you first visit a psychiatrist for a self-assessment. Please get examined first to see whether you are currently in a healthy state, both physically and mentally. If you have depression or are not physically healthy, you need to receive treatment first to regain your balance in life. Imagine that you and your family are being swept away by water. If it’s difficult for you alone to crawl out of the water, how could you possibly pull out your daughter or husband who are beside you? If you try to hold onto each other while being swept away in the water, you’ll all end up drowning together. That’s not love – it’s attachment.

You need to crawl out of the water first. Once you’re in a situation where you can sufficiently crawl out, or if you can grab onto something and pull yourself out, then you should save your family. Even if you resent them, don’t abandon them – hold on and come out together. However, if you can’t even crawl out by yourself, you need to save yourself first. This isn’t selfishness. Only after you save yourself and crawl out can you bring a stick to rescue your husband or child. Even if you can’t save them, at least you’ll be able to hold a funeral for them, won’t you? Would it be better to die together? Or would it be better to hold a funeral? Most people think, “In that case, it would be better to die together.” That’s why family murder-suicides happen. If you’re struggling, you should just end your own life – why take an innocent child with you? People must live first.

You should first go to a local clinic and get yourself checked. If you’re diagnosed with depression, take the prescribed medication and then practice 108 prostrations daily. Tell yourself, ‘I’m okay. My life is worth living.’ You need to establish your own center first. Once you’re centered, you won’t feel distressed even when you see your husband. When you can say, ‘I’m okay. Even if you die, I’ll be okay. Even if the company fails, I’ll be okay,’ then your own problems are resolved, and you can help your husband. If your husband is struggling mentally, he can go to a local clinic for examination and treatment. Once your husband receives treatment, the company’s difficulties won’t seem like such a big problem. Isn’t it better to live on government assistance than to die? The government provides minimum living expenses now. Just because you can’t maintain your current lifestyle doesn’t mean you should die. If you were injured and lost the use of both legs, would death be better? Or would it be better to live, even in a wheelchair?”

” …… “

No matter how difficult things are, living is better. You can always die later, can’t you? You can try this and that, and dying can always be the very last option. Actually, there’s nothing that’s truly worth worrying about. Even if the company fails, there are other paths. If your husband dies, you’ll have the opportunity to remarry. There are various other paths available. Don’t be too attached to the situation. You need to pull yourself together first. When it’s difficult to center yourself alone, you can get help from a doctor. You can also receive help from Dharma teachers at Jungto Society. The key isn’t solving the problem but establishing your own center. Once you examine yourself first, then consider how to help your husband and how to help your children, even difficult situations won’t seem like such a big deal. So, please go to a local clinic today or tomorrow and get examined. Understood?”

“Yes, thank you.”