I’m in the middle of a divorce lawsuit. Should I keep contacting my children who hate me?

Hello. Today, after completing his visit to the United States, Sunim returned to Korea, met with guests who visited The Peace Foundation, and gave a Friday Dharma Q&A lecture.

Sunim departed from San Francisco Airport and arrived at Incheon Airport at 4:30 AM after a 13-hour flight. He caught some sleep on the plane and began his day’s activities.

He immediately went to Seoul Jungto Center, unpacked his luggage, had breakfast, and then visited the hospital.

While loading and unloading his carry-on luggage during the flight transfer, he strained his back. After pushing himself for several days, his cough and cold had also worsened. After receiving treatment at the ENT clinic, he headed to Jungto Social and Cultural Center.

At 11 AM, after meeting with the Planning Committee Chair of The Peace Foundation, he moved to the underground dining hall. Former Minister Yoon Yeo-joon, a senior politician who recently served as the Standing General Campaign Committee Chair of the Democratic Party of Korea, visited Sunim and they had lunch together.

Former Minister Yoon shared his reflections on the recent presidential election period, and Sunim shared about his three-day visit to Washington D.C.

At 2 PM, he met with foreign affairs and security experts. After sharing about his meetings with U.S. Congress members, government officials, and think tank representatives, Sunim discussed how to improve relations between North Korea and the United States for peace on the Korean Peninsula, and what role the newly established Korean government should play in this process. The experts discussed what moves President Trump might make to resolve North Korea-U.S. relations and talked about Korea’s diplomatic and security strategy to make the most of this opportunity. After two hours of discussion, they scheduled their next meeting and concluded.

As the sun set, Sunim returned to the Seoul Jungto Center broadcasting room and began the Friday Dharma Q&A live broadcast at 7:30 PM.

With over 4,400 people connected to the YouTube live broadcast, Sunim gave his greeting.

“The weather has gotten quite hot, hasn’t it? It seems like just yesterday we were shivering from the cold, but now we need to turn on fans. I returned to Korea early this morning after completing my visit to the United States. Now, let’s hear your stories.”

He then had conversations with those who had submitted questions in advance. Four people pressed the hand-raising button and asked Sunim questions. One of them was in the middle of divorce proceedings with his wife, and in the process, even his children had come to hate him. He asked Sunim for advice on how to overcome this situation.

I’m in the Middle of a Divorce Lawsuit. Should I Keep Contacting My Children Who Hate Me?

“I’m a father of two sons, one in 9th grade and one in 12th grade. After arguing about disciplining our sons, I was the first to bring up divorce to my wife. Two months ago in April, my wife left home with our two sons without saying a word. I don’t know where my wife is staying, and we’re currently separated. My wife has filed for divorce through a lawyer. She only left a message saying ‘Don’t contact me,’ and I haven’t been able to reach her for two months, though I occasionally send text messages. I especially have no idea what to do about my relationship with my two sons. The court says that even if we’re not spouses, we should fulfill our duties as parents, but realistically, I’ve become too distant from my children. Right now, both sons severely hate me. My older son cursed at me, and my younger son told me ‘Don’t appear in front of me.’ The relationship was already severed before the separation, and now they don’t respond to my texts or KakaoTalk messages, and they won’t even answer calls from their paternal grandmother. In this situation, I don’t know if it’s right for me to keep trying to contact the children, visit them, or apply for visitation rights through the court. I can’t judge whether this is fulfilling my duty as a parent or just my own selfishness. Now that I’m cut off from my children, what should I do as a parent, and what attitude should I have going forward?”

“Whose name is the house you’re living in now?”

“I purchased it, and it’s in both my wife’s and my names.”

“Then shouldn’t you be grateful that your wife simply left the house? When couples fight, they often argue about who should leave. In that sense, I think your wife leaving quietly and filing for divorce is actually a wise approach. It’s much better than fighting face to face. But who first brought up divorce?”

“I brought it up first. We had major differences of opinion about disciplining our son, and those words came out in the process.”

“But looking at the children’s reactions now, they seem to have quite negative feelings toward their father. Why do you think the children are like this? Have you ever hit the children?”

“I think my wife gaslighted the children. The children’s attitudes changed after I first brought up divorce, and then my second son, who was close to me, also started to change his attitude. When I brought hamburgers, he wouldn’t eat them, and when I tried to buy him winter clothes, he said he didn’t need them and that ‘Dad is trying to coax me to live with him.’ I was deeply shocked by those words.

My wife is a teacher, so during vacation the family was home together, and during that time nothing I said got through, so I eventually stopped talking. Looking back now, I think my wife was preparing something during that time. At the time, I was also angry at my wife’s attitude and showed my agitation. Also, my younger son said, ‘Mom has a stable job and can help with high school and college admissions, so I’ll live with mom.’ From the children’s perspective, they were inclined to follow their mother, and when I said things to encourage them to live with me, the children reacted strongly.”

“Even if the mother has no job and lacks the conditions to take responsibility for the children, it’s natural and desirable for children to stay with their mother until they become adults. Since most families are like this, it’s not right to fight over who will raise the children during a divorce. Parents trying to take the children from each other is treating children like objects, which is a wrong perspective. If a judge in court asks, ‘Who would it be better for the children to live with?’ you should say, ‘It would be fine if I raised them, but I think it’s basically good for children to stay with their mother while they’re growing up.’ Since your wife has already filed for divorce, it would be good to say this in court as well. ‘My wife suddenly left with the children one day and filed for divorce. I’m very confused and in a difficult situation. If possible, I hope my wife will change her mind and we can live together again.’ There’s no need to have emotional fights or escalate conflicts. If the judge forces divorce mediation, then you can decide whether to sign or not. You can accept separation but if you don’t want divorce, you don’t have to do it.

Once the divorce is finalized, the issue of child support will arise. If you have the financial means, you must faithfully pay child support until the children become adults. When you pay child support, you’ll be granted visitation rights, whether once a week or once a month. However, if the children refuse to see you, you cannot force them to meet you. That’s their freedom. Since you have legal rights, it’s better to respond with patience. If you contact them saying you’d like to see them this month and they refuse, you can say, ‘Okay, let’s meet next month.’ If they refuse again next month, you can say, ‘Alright, let’s meet another time.’ This way, you can maintain the relationship without emotional conflicts. But if you say something like ‘Contact me when you want to see me,’ it becomes difficult for the children to reach out first. If you’ve agreed to contact them once a month, make sure you consistently reach out first. If you don’t have a deep attachment with your children, it’s okay to keep some distance for now. When I counsel young people, I often see that those who were hurt by their fathers tend to avoid contact even later in life. During Dharma Q&A sessions, I frequently hear questions like, ‘My father keeps contacting me, but I really don’t want to see him. Should I meet him or not?’ In such cases, I tell them, ‘You don’t have to meet him.’ Conversely, there are cases where fathers wander for decades and then belatedly come looking for their children. It’s better to let go of attachment to your children. Whether it’s children or a spouse, trying to meet someone who dislikes you is attachment. Even if they’re family, if they dislike you, it’s right to let them go. While it’s true that parents are responsible for not properly caring for their children, you can’t say it’s entirely your fault just because the children reject you. Of course, if the children reached out saying ‘Dad, please help me’ and you ignored them, then you wouldn’t be fulfilling your parental responsibilities. However, if you offer to help and the child refuses, that’s not your responsibility. You can simply say something like, ‘Contact me whenever you need me,’ and then it’s better to start redesigning your own life. Until the divorce is legally finalized, you should try your best to preserve the family, but once the divorce is final, you shouldn’t force yourself on someone who says they don’t want you around. That’s attachment, and in severe cases, it could lead to criminal charges for stalking. It’s better to let everything go and prepare for a fresh start with a light heart.”

“Yes, as you said, Sunim, I’ve sorted out my feelings to some extent. However, my 83-year-old mother still doesn’t know about this. She keeps asking about her grandchildren, and I think I’m unconsciously clinging to that.”

“Since the divorce isn’t finalized yet, there’s no need to tell your mother. When you do get divorced, you can carefully tell her then. ‘My wife said it was difficult to continue living together, so we got divorced. The children say they want to avoid contact for a while. I know you miss your grandchildren, but let’s wait a few years. I think the children have been hurt because of me. With time, we’ll be able to contact them again.’ It’s good to comfort your mother this way and help her not hold on too tightly.”

“Yes, I understand. Thank you. It’s been about two months since we separated, and during that time, I’ve been gradually pulling myself together. While I understand your words intellectually, Sunim, there are parts that my heart hasn’t fully accepted yet. Still, I’ll try to compose myself more. This situation led me to seek you out, and I’ve also enrolled in the Happiness School. I hope this time becomes an opportunity for me to steady my mind, and I’ll work to become more at peace little by little.”

“Were you alone when you were born? Or were you married from birth?”

“I was alone.”

“That’s right. You were originally alone, and now you’re alone again – that’s not a loss. Actually, how difficult would it be if you had to take care of two children? Getting up in the morning to make breakfast, getting them dressed, sending them to school, having to go to school when something happens, dealing with accidents if they occur. Properly taking care of two children is never easy. Honestly, I think it’s much better for you that their mother is raising the children. This isn’t about gender differences. Since women have experience giving birth and raising children, they tend to be more suited than men for caring for and looking after people. You don’t need to hold on too tightly either. Of course it would be nice to live together, but if you’re going to separate anyway, it’s better for the mother to raise the children. While it’s disappointing not to be together, be grateful that their mother is raising them well. Send child support faithfully and always think gratefully – this is good for you too. This will also be advantageous if you do get divorced in the future. If you’re alone, you have a wider range of choices, but if you have two children with you, your choices become much narrower. Since you’ll need to meet someone new, this situation isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

You don’t need to be too distressed about not being able to see your children. Once the divorce is legally finalized, visitation rights for the children will definitely be granted, but you can decide whether to exercise them based on the situation. If the children refuse to meet, it’s better not to force it. If you just maintain this perspective, it’s not a big deal. Sunim has lived his entire life without getting married, while you got married and are now single again. You’re much younger than Sunim, so do you think your concerns would seem like such a big deal in Sunim’s eyes? The reason this situation feels overwhelming is because you keep clinging to those thoughts. It’s already in the past, but you keep holding onto it, which is why you’re suffering. Now it’s time to let go of the past and move forward to the future.

Right now, you can’t do much for your children, so there’s only one thing you can do. Tell the judge, ‘I still want to preserve my family.’ And when the court’s decision comes out, you need to accept it according to the result. It’s the same with politics, isn’t it? If the Constitutional Court decides on presidential impeachment, you have to accept it . If you keep holding onto regrets, how can that work?”

“I have to accept it. But I feel like I’ve lost public sentiment and been impeached at home too.”

“Not accepting the verdict and keep saying ‘Yoon Again’ doesn’t look good to people. Since you’ve been impeached too, it’s better to cut off any lingering attachments.” (laughter)

Questions continued to follow.

I have no savings, can’t get married, my illness won’t heal, I have insomnia, my job is unstable, and I’m so worried and lost about the future. I don’t know how to live.

I’ve lived running non-stop and working hard. I immersed myself in studies, clubs, and part-time jobs, but ultimately felt it was meaningless and became exhausted to the point of having extreme thoughts. I’m afraid to start anything.

I stopped taking depression medication because I want to have a baby, but now I can’t function in daily life. I’m worried about taking the medication again because my husband and I are getting older and delaying pregnancy.

During the conversation, Sunim introduced the Happiness School program, which was started to increase the happiness index of Korean citizens.

“When you ask young children what their wish is, they say ‘to study well.’ When you ask ‘What will you do if you study well?’ they say ‘I can go to a good university.’ When you ask again ‘What will you do at a good university?’ they say ‘I can get a good job.’ When you ask ‘What will you do with a good job?’ they say ‘I can make a lot of money.’ If you keep asking like this, what do they eventually say? ‘Buy a nice house, and then I can live happily.'” But living happily doesn’t require going through dozens of steps like this. You can just turn around from where you are now and live happily. When you’re in middle school, you want to be a high school student; when you’re in high school, you want to be a college student; when you’re in college, you want to get married. You live constantly envying others. Then when you reach about fifty, you actually miss your middle and high school days. That’s why middle-aged people wear school uniforms and pretend to be students. They complained it was hard when they were in school, but now they miss those days.

Happiness Is Knowing That Now Is Good

So in life, you just need to know that now is a good time. In middle and high school, know that’s a good time; in college, know that college is a good time. When you become old like me, know that being old is good. When you’re old, you don’t have to go to work, you don’t have to raise children – there are so many good things. Everyone gives up their seat when you ride in a car, and the subway is free. How wonderful is that?

Knowing how to appreciate the present moment is the path to happiness. The Happiness School is where you learn this mindset. Right now, the people of South Korea are facing an increasingly difficult economy and a society in turmoil in many ways. In times like these, to maintain self-esteem and increase happiness, many people need to attend the Happiness School. Since the Happiness School is only a one-month program, anyone can easily participate.”

After finishing the conversation, it was 9 PM. The live broadcast ended with promises to meet again next time.

After leaving the broadcasting studio, Sunim immediately departed Seoul and headed to Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center. After a four-hour drive, he arrived at Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center at 1 AM and concluded his day’s activities.

Tomorrow morning, Sunim will harvest potatoes in the greenhouse, then have an online meeting with the Standing Committee for the 1000-Day Practice Preparation. At lunch, he will share a meal and conversation with senior monks visiting Dubuk Jungto Retreat Center. In the afternoon, he will hold an online Dharma Q&A session with students from Jungto Dharma School.