How Can I Deal with My High School Sophomore Daughter Who Demands Plastic Surgery and Commits Fraud?

Hello. Today, after conducting an online Weekly Dharma Assembly broadcast from Singapore, Sunim is heading to Bangkok to give a Dharma Q&A lecture for Korean expatriates.

Sunim began his day with morning practice and meditation, followed by breakfast at 7 AM in his accommodation. After finishing his meal, he started the Weekly Dharma Assembly broadcast at 9 AM Singapore time (10 AM Korean time) from his room. As all Jungto Society members entered the video conference room, Sunim greeted them.

“I am currently conducting the Weekly Dharma Assembly in Singapore. Last week, after finishing the assembly in Bhutan, I traveled by land to Assam, India. Northeast India’s Assam state is one of the rainiest places in the world. Usually, the monsoon season starts at the end of June and lasts for three months, causing annual flood damage due to continuous heavy rainfall for several days. This year, the damage is more severe, so JTS India volunteers were dispatched to the Assam region for relief activities. As I happened to be passing through the area, I changed my schedule for a day to participate in the relief efforts.”

Then, we watched a video showing Sunim’s activities over the past week, including his visit to Bhutan and emergency flood relief efforts in Assam, India.

“This is how the donations you’ve made are being well-used in various parts of the world where help is needed. It’s becoming a source of hope for those in difficulty and a foundation for maintaining their survival. Please share in this joy. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has made donations.”

Next, Sunim engaged in conversations with those who had submitted questions in advance. Four people raised their hands to ask questions. One of them sought Sunim’s advice on how to deal with a daughter who demands plastic surgery, commits fraud to make money, and is becoming increasingly distant from society.

How Can I Deal with My High School Sophomore Daughter Who Demands Plastic Surgery and Commits Fraud?

“My daughter, who has been on leave from high school for two years, is crying and begging me for help, saying she can’t return to school next year unless she loses weight and gets plastic surgery. I told her I couldn’t help her do that because it doesn’t seem like the right path, but I said I would help her in other ways. Then she started begging for liposuction. I think she will continue to beg, so how should I maintain my stance and dissuade her? It seems that my daughter is becoming increasingly distant from society, only looking at her phone at home and spending time with the cat. Since I don’t give her an allowance, she commits fraud through phone chats. No matter how much I warn her that she could be punished under the Telecommunications Fraud Act, she doesn’t listen because it hasn’t happened yet. How can I stop this behavior? Can I go out and find my own work while leaving my daughter at home? When I return from going out, I try to understand my daughter’s feelings, but is it okay to continue like this?

“Do you have a job?”

“I don’t have a job. But when I’m at home, seeing my daughter is so painful and I feel oppressed, so I go out to survive. I continue my family life by recharging my energy through reading books and doing other activities. Also, both of my parents are ill and need care, so I spend a lot of time on my own to recharge my energy to take care of them.”

“Just as you seek ways to relieve stress because it’s difficult to see your daughter in that state, your daughter is also engaging in such behaviors due to stress from issues like feeling overweight. The first thing you need to do now is not just say it’s hard to see your child behaving that way, but to deeply investigate why your child is acting and thinking this way. Rather than running away in disgust at the sight of a snake, become an observer, like a biologist examining a snake’s appearance and movements. Observe your child’s daily life patterns and how she manages to live in her own way for 100 days. You must first become an observer. Don’t just think, ‘I don’t like seeing my child’s behavior.’ Instead, observe your child’s behavior and thoughts as if you’re observing a frog. If you don’t understand something well, engage with your child to observe more closely. Only when you can look at your child without any discomfort can you find ways to help her, even if just a little. If you keep running away because you can’t bear to see your child, as you’re doing now, you won’t be able to escape your own suffering, nor will you be able to do anything helpful for your child. From now on, think of it as a 100-day prayer and bow like this every day.

‘How frustrated must my child be to behave like this? I will try to understand my child.’

While doing this, observe every move your child makes. Research your child’s behavior, words, and thought patterns by writing them down in a notebook. If you become a researcher in this way, seeing your child won’t be frustrating at all, but rather intriguing. When you understand, ‘Oh, this is why she behaves this way!’ it becomes interesting. First, you need to record in detail and understand how your child thinks, speaks, and acts. If you don’t understand well, seek advice from a doctor, asking, ‘My child is behaving this way, how should I understand it?’ This way, you can come to realize, ‘Oh, my child is behaving this way because of this problem!’ This approach will allow you to not feel troubled even if you leave your child as she is now, and you’ll be able to find ways to help her. It would be good to approach it from this perspective.

If you don’t research your child as an observer, you’ll just worry about whether to allow plastic surgery or weight loss surgery when she asks, or what to do if she goes to jail for fraud, and you’ll end up exhausted first. Because it’s too hard for you, you leave your child behind and go out for fresh air, then come back home feeling frustrated again, and go out again, repeating this cycle. Don’t try to avoid the problem, but take on the attitude of observing your child’s behavior. Put aside the issue of caring for your parents for now. Since your child is in difficulty and needs some care, let your siblings take care of your parents, and you should focus on intensively researching your child. Once you’ve done some research on your child, you won’t need to ask such questions. Based on your research of your child’s behavior, you should help her lose weight, get surgery, or give her an allowance only after she’s been accurately diagnosed and prescribed treatment at a hospital. You need to assess the situation first before coming up with a solution. Without assessing the situation, just saying ‘I’m dying because of my child’ won’t lead to any solutions.”

“I have assessed the situation. It seems the child has trauma. She has been struggling with friendships since the COVID pandemic. There’s likely also influence from the parents.”

“That level of assessment is not sufficient. You need to observe in detail, like a biologist studying the behavior of snakes or frogs. If given the task of researching snake and frog behavior, even if you dislike them, you’d have to keep them in a box and observe them for a month or 100 days. Just as you would observe snakes and frogs enough to write a full research paper, I want you to start observing every little thing about your child anew. Don’t make superficial judgments like saying the child has depression or trauma.

What I’m saying is that if you observe the child from an observer’s perspective, you won’t feel distressed. If you understand why the child behaves that way, you won’t feel stressed, so you won’t need to go out to avoid it. If you feel stressed by interacting with someone, that’s your problem. It’s not the child’s problem, but the questioner’s problem of feeling stressed when looking at the child.”

“Should I just help the child as much as I can?”

“Don’t worry about helping. First, carefully observe the child’s actions, words, and thoughts. You need to practice self-discipline so that you don’t feel stressed even when you’re with the child. Don’t keep trying to do things for the child. Because you haven’t practiced self-discipline at all, you can’t be of much help even when you’re with the child, and you also find it difficult. For now, don’t think about what to do with the child, but first study to reach a state where you can look at the child without being affected. Only then can you live happily with such a child, and do something that might be of some help to the child.”

“So even if the child says they’ll take pills and die, should I just stay calm?”

“You should be able to stay calm even in such a situation. You should be calm enough to think that taking pills is the child’s choice, and that you will take care of the funeral well. Don’t think about what you should do for the child, but observe why the child behaves that way. This child might threaten to take pills and die, sometimes cheat, sometimes stay up all night just using their phone. You need to study this child’s behavior. I don’t mean you should just be comfortable no matter what the child says or does. Don’t keep misinterpreting my words like that, but observe the child. If your mind is not at peace, it means you’re not in the observer’s position right now.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“So don’t worry too much about the child’s issues, but listen diligently to dharma talks and practice discipline. You need to first study to be at peace even if the sky falls and the earth collapses. Living like you can’t bear it because of the child, or having to go out because of stress, shows you’re not practicing discipline at all. That’s just the level of how ordinary people live in the world. If you live like that, you’ll be unhappy and unable to do anything helpful for the child.”

“I understand well. Thank you.”

Questions continued to come in.

Can we do Jungto Society activities like a club meeting?

Can we change the culture of practicing at 5 AM to 6 AM?

Is it okay to bring the spirits of priests from the Catholic church I used to belong to for Baekjung prayers? I’m curious if it’s okay to do Baekjung prayers for people of different religions.

After answering all the questions, Sunim gave closing remarks.

“Next Wednesday, I will arrive in Seoul and see you all. I’ll see you next week.”

When the live broadcast ended, it was 10:30 AM. Sunim immediately left the accommodation and headed to Singapore Airport. After a 30-minute drive, he arrived at the airport.

Yoo Hyun-sook and Choi Yang-hee, Jungto Society members who prepared for this Singapore lecture, came to see Sunim off. They greeted him, saying he had a good stay for two days, and took commemorative photos together.

After completing the departure procedures, Sunim waited in front of the boarding gate. The departure time was delayed by 20 minutes, so he took off from Singapore Airport at 1:15 PM.

After flying for 2 hours and 45 minutes, Sunim landed at Bangkok Airport in Thailand at 3:00 PM local time. As he exited the airport, Hwang So-yeon and Jo Jung-eun, members of Jungto Society, warmly welcomed him.

After exchanging warm greetings, they moved to the lecture venue.

Today’s lecture is being held at the Jasmine City Hotel, located in the center of Bangkok. After an hour’s drive from the airport, they arrived at the lecture venue at 4:15 PM.

After dinner, Sunim took a short rest as he wasn’t feeling well. As the sun set, he headed to the lecture hall at 6:30 PM for a pre-lecture tea time.

The Consul General from the Korean Embassy in Bangkok and the Director of the United Nations Economic and Social Commission for Asia and the Pacific (UNESCAP) welcomed Sunim.

During the tea time, they discussed the situation of Korean expatriates living in Thailand. There were also many questions about Sunim’s recent activities.

“When did you arrive in Bangkok?”

“I just arrived at 3 PM. This time, I’m visiting 10 Southeast Asian countries. Thailand is the ninth country. Tomorrow, when I go to Hanoi, the schedule will be completed.”

“Are you moving to a different country every day?”

“This morning I had a dharma assembly in Singapore, and in the afternoon I came to Bangkok.”

“I remember in 2014, you showed superhuman ability by moving to 100 cities around the world and giving a lecture once a day.”

“People from the past might call it superhuman, but I just traveled by plane. It’s nothing special.”

“I travel a lot on business trips too, but just getting on a plane itself is extremely tiring.”

“I like it when I ride cars or planes a lot. Because that’s when I can rest.” (Laughs)

“You’re really practicing in a way that ordinary people can’t even imagine. I’ve never seen a monk like you before. There’s no one like you in the world.”
After chatting, it was time to start the lecture. After taking commemorative photos, they moved to the lecture hall together.

Volunteers were welcoming participants everywhere. Sunim expressed his gratitude to the volunteers.

“Thank you for your hard work. I appreciate it.”

After watching a video of Sunim’s visit to Bhutan and relief activities for flood victims in Assam, India over the past week, Sunim took the stage at 7:00 PM sharp. There was a big round of applause and cheers.

Sunim greeted everyone with a bright smile.

“JTS provides humanitarian aid to areas affected by earthquakes or floods, poverty-stricken areas, and other places in need of help. I’m currently visiting various countries to inspect these support projects and find ways to expand them. The reason I’m visiting Bangkok this time is not just to give a lecture. While surveying difficult areas and providing support, I’m also taking time to give lectures to overseas Koreans in areas where many of them live. There’s a bhikkhuni who has been running an orphanage in Kanchanaburi, western Thailand, for a long time. When I visited last time, I saw that the orphanage facilities were very old and cramped. About 130 children live there, and when I asked if they wanted to build a new building or remodel, they said they would prefer extensive remodeling. Since the number of orphans is expected to decrease gradually, they said it wouldn’t be necessary to build a new one, so we did a remodeling that was almost like building anew. Tomorrow, we will have an opening ceremony, which is why I came to Thailand today.

According to the news, Korea is currently experiencing heavy rain and severe flood damage, resulting in loss of life and property. Due to global warming, various unpredictable weather anomalies are occurring. Changes in ocean currents and winds due to rising temperatures are likely to cause increasingly severe weather anomalies such as heavy rain, drought, wildfires, and heat waves that are difficult for us to predict.

Finding Blind Spots Where Aid Doesn’t Reach

The Assam region in India is one of the rainiest places in the world, and recently there was a major flood where the Brahmaputra River overflowed, causing many displaced people. As I happened to be on a schedule to survey that area, I visited the site and provided humanitarian aid such as food and mosquito nets. The residents were especially grateful that Sunim came to comfort them, as no one else had come to visit despite the severe flood damage. Even humanitarian aid has become a kind of business these days, requiring media attention for fundraising. If the media doesn’t cover a story, humanitarian aid hardly reaches those in need, no matter how difficult their situation is. The most representative example was the great flood caused by the overflow of the Indus River in Pakistan in 2022. It was such a massive flood that affected over 30 million displaced people, but it received almost no media attention. Because the Ukraine war broke out and all the world’s attention was focused on Ukraine, the Pakistan flood was almost neglected.

Although it’s inevitable that we can only know about news that’s reported, there are many people in need all over the world in places we don’t know about. Even in areas where the government is providing good support, there are blind spots within those areas where humanitarian aid doesn’t reach at all. Because I try to find these less visible places that need help, I tend to travel a lot. I hope you too will keep an eye out for these blind spots and help them if you can.”

Then, Sunim had conversations with those who had requested questions in advance and took impromptu questions from the audience. Over two hours, seven people asked Sunim questions. The first person to raise their hand and ask a question was a student.

I’m Stressed Because I Often Argue with My Mom

“I often argue with my mom. From my perspective, it seems like my mom is often emotional. We usually argue over trivial things, which causes stress for both my mom and me. I’m wondering how my mom and I can get along well without arguing.”

“Give me an example of a situation where you typically argue.”

“It seems like we argue due to misunderstandings in our daily communication.”

“What kind of misunderstanding? Give me a specific example of something that happened in the past.”

“I can’t remember anything specific right now, but there were a lot of instances.”

“At the time of the argument with your mother, that issue seemed important, which is why you got angry or had a verbal dispute. But now that time has passed, you can’t even remember what it was about. So, was it an important issue or not?”

“It doesn’t seem like it was very important.”

“How about thinking ‘This issue won’t be important when I look back on it later’ every time an argument arises in the future? When you suddenly feel very angry, if you think that this issue won’t be very important tomorrow, wouldn’t that help you calm down a bit? You said you’ve experienced many conflicts with your mother. But now, looking back, you can’t specifically remember any of those conflicts. So, in the future, when you feel emotionally stirred by something, you can anticipate ‘This probably won’t be a big deal after a few days.’ This way, you’ll have fewer emotional confrontations with your mother.”

“Yes, I understand well. Thank you.”

“The same applies when you’re traveling. On the day of your trip, deciding whether to stay in a hotel, an inn, or a guesthouse might seem incredibly important. However, when you look back on that day years later, where you slept that night doesn’t really matter from your current perspective. Similarly, choosing between bulgogi, bibimbap, noodles, a sandwich, or skipping dinner altogether for tonight’s menu might feel crucial right now. But years from now, what you ate for dinner on a particular date won’t have any significance in your life. During school days, you might feel happy when you do well on a mock exam or final exam, and upset when you don’t, but looking back, whether you scored 75, 80, or 85 points doesn’t really matter. Especially for high school seniors facing college entrance exams, failing and having to retake the exam can be a source of great worry. They might feel left behind as their friends go to college, make new relationships, and enjoy campus life while they’re stuck studying at a prep school. However, when you look back in your 50s, some 30 years later, entering college a year late due to retaking the exam isn’t such a big deal. If you maintain this broader, longer-term perspective, you’ll realize that what seems significant right now isn’t actually that important. Our emotions often get out of control because we tend to focus on short-term, momentary issues that only affect ourselves. If we broaden our perspective just a little, we’ll see that most things are not a big deal.

That’s why we need to stay awake and aware at all times. We need to be conscious of our anger when we’re angry, and our sadness when we’re sad. We need to realize that, with time, these things are neither worth being sad about, nor happy about, nor troubled about. We must always stay awake to avoid getting trapped in the immediate situation. People often say they’re ‘feeling it’ these days, but when you’re ‘feeling it,’ you momentarily lose sight of everything else. You might lash out in anger, but when you wake up in the morning, you realize it wasn’t a big deal at all. So, I hope the questioner can broaden their perspective. With a wider view, you’ll see that your mother is someone who helps you. She’s the one who gave birth to you, fed you, raised you, and sent you to school. She’s someone to be grateful for. But with a narrow view, she becomes someone who doesn’t buy you what you want, wakes you up when you’re sleeping, and interferes with your gaming. Twenty years from now, when you look back on this time, will it really matter that your mom didn’t let you play games or buy you a motorcycle? When we get caught up in our immediate desires, we become blind to the ways of the world and feel like we can’t live even a single day. But if you broaden your perspective a bit, you’ll see that most things that happen in human life aren’t really a big deal.

I hope you can live with the perspective that ‘it’s not a big deal in hindsight’ whenever you face various situations. You don’t need to make a separate effort to get along well with your mother. Because if you understand the principles correctly, you’ll naturally get along well. It’s because we don’t understand these principles that we live in conflict. If you have any more questions, please ask.”

“My concerns have been resolved. Thank you.”

The questions continued.

My passion is gradually disappearing because I’m not getting the results I want. How can I maintain my passion?

My wife has stage 2 breast cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. I haven’t yet met her after she shaved her head and I’m avoiding it. How should I treat my wife?

I’ve been living a busy life for 50 years, but now I’m getting tired of life. What drives you to continue your activities with such passion, Sunim?

My parents in Korea are living listlessly. When I ask how they’re doing, they say they’re fine, but I’m worried because I can’t understand their feelings.

Is it greedy to ask for something when praying? How should we pray? Do you ever feel stressed, Sunim?

By the time the conversation ended, it was 9 PM.

Sunim immediately began a book signing session on stage. He greeted each attendee, making eye contact with them.

“I really enjoyed your lecture today. Thank you.”

“Thanks to you, Sunim, my life has become truly happy.”

After the signing, Sunim took a commemorative photo with the volunteers who prepared the lecture.

“Bangkok, fighting!”

After 9 PM, Sunim headed to his accommodation to rest, while the volunteers had a heart-to-heart session with Dharma teacher Myodeok.

Tomorrow, there will be an opening ceremony for the children’s dormitory of the Dhammanurak Foundation, which JTS has supported with renovation work for a year. In the evening, Sunim will depart from Bangkok airport for Hanoi, Vietnam.